Every closed door leads to another open door…

My husband and I are both traveling through a time in our lives that is transitional in regards to our employment careers.  As in many “markers” of life, when one door closes, there will be a time in which open eyes and ears lead to the next open door.

As I worshiped in song this morning, and thought about the meaning of the words I was singing, I found myself in a moment completely consumed with thankfulness.  I look a moment to glance back at all those moments that led me up to this past week, and I was humbled.

Right out of college my heart was so excited to begin my teaching career.  At the time, Cleveland held closed doors, and then one opened.  And so, my young husband and I decided to walk through that door, one that led us to a move to Columbus and future employment at the Ohio School for the Deaf.

I enjoyed my time teaching with great passion.  And then, a bouncing baby boy entered our lives, and then a beautiful baby girl.  And in a moment of heart change, I knew that door was closing and a door to full-time Mommyhood was open.  I openly struggled (as with any life change), but in glancing back, I only remember snapshots of love and laughter.  And then, one by one, my long-ago infants entered school, and my days looked a bit different.

My intent was to enter back into education through substitute teaching.  Naturally I had a desire to place myself in the school system my children attended.  I followed all the necessary procedures for this to happen, but due to the nature of my specific degree, the door was closed.  I remember inquiring about my application at the local central office, hearing the news, and walking to my car only to feel tears streaming down my cheeks.

A bit caught by surprise, I sought the root of my emotions by talking with my heavenly Father.  Though I didn’t understand it at the time, I knew He was shaping me, preparing me for my future, whatever His will may be.  And so, over the next year, I decided to simply step into the “next”, the day by day obedience that comes through hard seeking and blind trust.  And throughout the year, my heart learned how to be content through learning and serving in a variety of capacities.  I grew in wisdom provided through our local BSF studies, I served other precious families at the Ronald McDonald House, I sat across from our local Panera with a variety of special women that He would bring to mind, I was able to be involved with the classrooms of each kiddo as well as their teachers and fellow staff, I had time for exercise, and grabbed moments with my husband as they were available.

Most days were so joyful, and yet I had a few moments of wonder.  What would this next season of life bring?  My heart still contained a yearning to become involved in my field of education, in some capacity, and yet, all the options my mind could thing of were either unavailable or not conducive to our family’s schedule.  And then He provided two special families who each have been given a special young lady in their family.  He provided an opportunity for me to care for their needs in their homes, and taught me how to love, give, and receive in ways that my heart had not experienced to this point.  And I learned contentment through obedience, contentment in serving so simply, humbly, with no human accolades necessary.

And then summer arrived, and I once again grew in passion, and confusion, as to my future options in education.  I expressed this sense of being baffled with my husband, then left for a short-term mission trip to Honduras.  After returning, God closed a door to my husband’s current place of employment. With the school year quickly approaching, I prayed feverishly, mostly while running.  It was on a run that for some reason, my past employer, the School for the Deaf, came to mind.  So I called and I inquired about an opening for a substitute teacher.  They had an opening, in fact, they had a long-term, high-school math teacher position that needed to be filled.  Immediately.  A teacher with twins just started a time of doctor-ordered bed rest.  And a door opened.

I enjoyed my time of jumping in feet first.  A smart board quickly became my new best friend, I met so many delightful young people, I shared delightful conversations with fellow staff members during lunch, and the papers to grade were a consistent companion.  It was during this time that I learned of classes I could take to renew my teaching license that would fit with the needs of my family.  It was a whirlwind few months, and at the end of December, I was embarking on a decision.  A door was open in front of me, I needed to decide whether God would have me walk through the door or shut it.

I’m learning.  I’m learning that no two situations are the same.  In my husband’s case, a door was closed for him.  In this case, I was waiting in the hall, not watching for an open door, but wondering if in fact I should walk through or watch it shut, trusting that a different one would open at a different time.  And through my prayers, God was silent.  I believe, in this case, he was truly giving me a choice.  I don’t think either choice would have necessarily been wrong, I just think He was giving me the opportunity to make a decision without a direct command.  You see, I knew, in my gut, that  this had been a “glimpse”.  I had this strong desire to “get back to teaching” and yet, ALL that comes with a full-time job requires a sacrifice of time and balance between work and home.  I’ve met many people who are wired well for this.  After taking an honest assessment of myself, I just am not one who was feeling called to continue to make that sacrifice at this time.  And even though it didn’t compute in my logic, and I knew of the probability of the consequences that would result from the decision.  I chose to close the door.  And my heart was at peace.

Two weeks into January, another door opened.  Our local school district joined a new system for implementing substitute teachers.  My father had just completed the training process, and after one short week, I received an email welcoming me to the program that allowed access to available jobs to several districts in the Columbus area.  I thoroughly enjoyed my time getting to know each one of the buildings, principals, staff, and students throughout the entire district.  I especially enjoyed the days I taught in the buildings of my own kiddos.  I had the opportunity to “see” into teaching styles, methods, and managements plans of several excellent teachers throughout a variety of subjects and grade levels.  I LOVED the flexibility this afforded and really enjoyed meeting a variety of personalities and classroom groupings.

In fact, one day in mid May, I found myself in a fifth grade classroom of one of my childhood friends.  In fact, she happened to be giving assessments in the hallway, a fellow colleague just happened to stop by her classroom, they happened to have a conversation, and this colleague then approached me about an employment opportunity.  Honestly, I couldn’t have written a better job description if you had given me all day.  I never knew this position, in our own district, even existed, and here was this former fellow pre-school Mom presenting it TO me in a manner of full excitement and support.  Open door.

After lots of prayer, I decided to keep taking steps towards this open door until it was shut for me.  I completed the necessary paperwork, I attended an interview, I attended a second interview just this past week, and a few hours later, I received a phone call from a dear lady offering me the position.  I am now a part-time Support Services employee in the Hilliard School District.  A new season of life begins August 15th for me, and soon to come, my husband will be entering a new employment season as well.

THAT’S MY GOD.  All of it.  Every single part.  My pastor said this today, “Faith isn’t about following a plan; it’s about following God.”  This is what I’m learning.  I like plans.  I like sticking to plans.  I like agendas and routine.  I like to use my logic.  When anything threatens to mess with these, my dear companions, my first inclination is to resist.  And yet, “As God becomes my focus, the focus of my heart becomes His.”  In wrestling with me, I’ve learned the goodness that comes from laying down my right to understand, only to pick up the best – to embrace the trust.  That includes trusting in the unknown, the essence of faith.  And it doesn’t take a truckload of faith, it just takes a decision to choose to believe.

And today, I felt Him nudge me to share His story being written in my life.  He asks me to reflect on His Almighty Goodness and faithful provision.  He asks me to ponder the mystery of His unconditional, never-ending love for me.  And he encourages me to keep taking steps towards trusting Him with my family and my future as more decisions are yet to me made for my husband.

I love this life He’s given me.  I want to use it, all of it, everyday in every way, for Him.  And until the day I see Him face to face, I want to choose to love Him and His people with all the strength, joy, and patience He gives.

What story is He writing in your life today?

Proverbs 16:9

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.

My “word” for the year…

 

Prayer of Provision

I thank you, God. You are the God of provision; all that I have comes from You; all that I have belongs to You. You provide for me in Your faithfulness—You watch over me with faithful eyes, never missing a thing; You watch over me with faithful hands, never forgetting a detail; You watch over me with faithful words, never ignoring a promise; You watch over me with faithful love, never allowing anything to separate me from You.

Today, I ask You to bless all the work that I do as unto You and prosper the work of my hands. I ask for health of body, clarity of thought, and steadiness of will. I ask for guidance in my decisions and favor in my relationships.

I thank You for being the provider of every physical need, practical need, personal need, and most of all, every spiritual need I have. May Your strength be my strength, may Your joy be my joy, may Your purpose be my purpose.

God of all, provide for all—all grace, all mercy, all peace.

God of all, be my path through the waters, my shade from the sun, my shelter from the storm, my refreshment from the toil, and my deliverer from the pestilence.

I trust in Your provision for all that is needed in body, soul, and spirit to serve you with all my heart this day. Be the fruit of my labor and my exceeding great reward.

Scriptures: Philippians 4:19, Deuteronomy 28:12, Genesis 39:3, Psalm 35:27,  3 John 1:2, Hebrews 13:5-6, 2 Corinthians 9:10, Psalm 89:33

Taking the next step…

I’ve learned a thing or two about “steps” the past few months…

1.  They only happen one at a time.

2.  In order to move forward, a step needs to take place.

3.  Some steps happen without thought, others happen only after tons of thought.

4.  Some are taken with joy, others are taken with agony.

5.  In order to “see” where steps will lead, sometimes you move forward blindly.

In my current season of life, I’m gaining a broader perspective of what it truly means to be in step with the Spirit (Galatians 5:25).  My natural inclination bends to doing the same, familiar routine over and over, simply because it’s predictable.  And in this state of familiarity, nothing has to be placed on the table called “risk”.

Not so for me over these past years of preparation while living life at home with little ones.  And as these little ones grew, and spend many hours at school, my recent season has experienced anything but predictability, and I learned one amazing crazy lesson – this can actually be fun!  For this is where I learned to develop my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  This is the soil where seeds grew in the fertility of time spent reading the Word and having conversations with the Holy Spirit.  This is where I trod with baby steps in tuning into the gentle guidance of the plan the Lord had for me in the moment to moment days.  This fertile soil fed not only my mind and my body, it fed my soul.  And I was content beyond my wildest dreams.

And then the Spirit led me into a “static” season.  A season of the routine of a 40-hour employed week in addition to my former roles and tasks.  And my intellect was awakened in a new way.  Though dusty at first, I was intrigued by this new sense of opening a valve of brain flow that had not been tapped into for awhile.  Ideas flowed and terminology was re-introduced, and a new sense of mental challenge was well on it’s way.  And most days were great.  And some days were not.  Some days brought about some fruits of labor, other days I simply felt like a failure.  It was in those moments of “hard” when I sensed a testing of my roots.  Did I build roots in soil of nourishing, deeply-toiled God- truth, or when my world grew a little stormy, had I grown comfortable in allowing seed to grow in shallow soil, seeming fine above ground, but limp and wimpy below ground level?

In those moments, when my flesh tempted me to undermine God’s true view of my value and worth, I hung on.  I clung to Him in ways that a child clings to the leg of his or her Father in times of desperate need of security.  In my weakness, His strength grew in ways that were far above me.  These lessons could only have been learned in this space of “hard”, for here is where we break the ceiling of “I can’t” and we realize “I can”, through Him.

I had a chance to go for a run this morning in this beautiful unseasonably warm weather today.  As I ran, I saw many people outside.  Some were taking down Christmas lights, still others were walking with a friend (be it two-legged or four-legged).  The smell of melted snow filled my nostrils, and the sight of moisture drifting off of formerly-frozen bodies of water could be seen, smelled, and felt.  It was a visual example of the start of a new “season” (however short it may last) both in my heart and in my soul.  It’s that beautiful time when a season of” seeking” results in a little more understanding, indicating the start of yet another spring (even if still a bit of time away).

After much thought and prayer, I will be spending time a bit more differently starting on Monday.  I’m taking steps towards a more flexible schedule that allows time to focus on my priority of family, knowing and trusting that this is the next step God is directing me to take.  My soul is in a state of indescribable peace.  I know that I know that it’s the right step.  I’m looking forward in anticipation of this next leg of the “race”.  I feel a bit lighter, a bit wiser, and a bit more focused on the availability of a schedule dedicated to faith, family, and fellowship.

I’m so thankful for so many things.  I can glance back and see the value of all the Lord provided.  In this rear-view mirror glance, I gain more and more confidence as I watch my roots grow deeper and deeper in the soil of belief and truth. I stand firm in my belief of His continued provision, His continued faithfulness, and His continued love for me.  I will trip.  I will fall.  I will fail.  But nothing will ever remove my name from the palm of His hand and the reach of His love.  It only motivates me to press harder into His embrace, for there, my soul finds rest.

I don’t claim to have all the answers.  Not even close.  In fact, I wasn’t even going to write tonight, I thought about curling up on the couch next to my hubbie and putting this off, maybe indefinitely.  Instead, I found myself pushing some buttons and seeing this post through.  I write simply to point to Him.  I write because I want to remember this leg of the journey.  I want to remember my battles to learn to fight another day.  I write out of obedience.  I write to tell someone that you are not alone.

Let me pray for you…

Dear friend, The Lord your Creator knows your name.  In fact He knew you before the beginning of time.  Nothing comes as a surprise for Him, He graciously allows all the events of our life to bring us to a place to be embraced by His love, over and over again.  There is no sin so heinous that will ever cause Him to fall out of love with us.  Nothing can nor will ever separate us from His love.  He knows right where you are and knows the events yet to come.  In fact, while we sit in our sin today, He sent His son to pay off our debt.  We are free.  We are forgiven.  We are given the choice to choose Him.  Every day.  Know that you are never, ever, ever alone.  If you entertain thoughts that you are, Satan is smiling.  Check the source of your thoughts.  It’s either from One or the other.  Choose what you entertain wisely.  The outcomes will make all the difference in the world.  He loves you today.  Don’t ever think otherwise.  May you know that today in a way that rocks  your World.  Thanks for reading today.  Feel free to reach out in prayer.  I would cherish the opportunity to lift you up.  Enjoy a wonderful Sunday.

Amen.

Only in the Lord’s strength…

A total work week of 44 hours, with 20 hours of classwork ahead this weekend.  This is what my calendar tells me.  And this is what the next four week/weekends entail.

And I choose to look at one day’s agenda at a time.

And my logic tells me that this is a “season”, not forever.

And I breathe.

And I thank.

Because I know, I alone do not have the strength.

Life is full and life is given.  Our three wonderful blessings in the shape of small people each have their own sport season currently.  Basketball season requires roughly 8 hours a week.  Gymnastics season requires 12 hours of normal gym time, not including competitions.  Swim team requires 8 hours a week, including meet weekends.  And these little people need to eat.  And they need clean clothes.  And they need snuggle time, homework time, and just hang time.  And I want to be a part of all of it.  And I can’t.  I’m not even supposed to.  I’m to trust in His provisions.  And He HAS provided!

And I return home tonight around 7:30.  I spend time with the girls while the boys are at basketball.  And I change my clothes, and I run on the treadmill.  And it’s a gift of “download” time.  And I think about a “discussion” we need to have with our son as to a decision he made today.  And I pray for guidance, because that’s what God asks me to do as a Mom.  Guide to Him.  And our son’s heart is open, broken, and he receives.

And I spend a few moments, just talking about life with my soul mate.  And we share our hearts, as weary as we may be.  And I recognize, and I desperately desire to remember.  I want to shift my sight to Him, and I want less attention on me.  How do I have the strength to run?  I don’t.  He gives.  I receive.  Rest is not something owed to me, it’s something found in Him.

And I choose to brag on Him.  And I choose to praise Him.  And I choose to look just at today, the next moment.  And I choose to recognize the thoughts that whisper lies, and call them lies, and replace them with truth.  And in my weariness, I turn to praise and thankfulness.  And IN Him, I find rest.

Enjoy a wonderful weekend, whatever He has planned for you, maybe even something that’s NOT on the “calendar”.

It’s been a pretty good day…

Just another day.  My car pulled into the campus of the Ohio School for the Deaf.  I parked my car in its usual spot.  I walked to the office to sign in.  And then I walked towards my classroom.  I turned the corner.  And then I noticed something different.  Hanging from my doorknob was an adorable basket.  And inside, my curious eyes found several goodies.  An adorable magnetic notepad (which I need), pencils (which, as a math teacher, I ALWAYS need), pens, and CHOCOLATE!  What a delight!  A secret “booing” from an anonymous staff member.  It may seem little, but it sure brought some unexpected joy.

As I shared a few “kisses” with my first period class, I heard the “ding” of my phone signaling a new text message. I quickly glanced at the message… and I had to read it again.  It was from my husband.

First off, I love you.  Second, for some reason Stanley (former employer) dropped some major coin in our bank account.  I’m going to call today to find out what that’s all about.

And through a series of messages, we did “come to find out” exactly what the Lord had in store for us today.  Aaron did such a fabulous job writing about it that you JUST HAVE to read it.

From my vantage point, watching the story unfold in between classes, I experienced a sense of awe and utter humility like never before.  In fact, when I finally sat and let myself truly think about it, I lost my emotional resolve.  Aaron and I had set some goals in discussing how the Lord was leading us to manage our new sense of income.  Before his severance pay ended in December, we took on a gazelle-like-intensity (to borrow a Dave Ramses phrase) in an attempt to pay off our two vehicles.  We weren’t entirely sure if we would make our goal, but we set our intent.

In short, this “gift” we received today, gave Aaron the ability to not only pay off our car, but to PAY OFF our van as well… almost literally TO THE PENNY!!  I’m not kidding.  I was stunned.  And at the same time, I simply had this awareness that God was confirming his faithfulness as we stepped from the known to the unknown.  It’s not every day that I walk with full confidence in my full desire to work outside of the home on a full-time basis, but it IS with full confidence that I walk knowing He has asked me to trust him, and that he tells me He WILL provide.

And provide he did… in abundance.

I was reminded of this story today…

Malachi 3:10
Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the LORD Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.”

Funny thing is… Aaron wrote about this exact same one.

Yep.  It’s been a pretty good day…

Glancing back…

It’s been quite a week.  In an attempt to remember this amazing journey, I wanted to document the events of this past week.  I pray that in glancing back… perhaps you can see God as clearly as I  have witnessed.

To begin, I’ve had a chance to visit my past.  If I’ve been amazed at anything, it would be this:

God never wastes anything.  No relationship is unimportant.

My husband wrote an outstanding post on relationships, and it seems to be the theme of the week for both of us, for this is what was celebrated this week.  Every day we are given opportunities to set aside our agendas, and step into a short, or in-depth, conversation with those around us – strangers, friends, and acquaintances alike.

Here’s a rundown of my week in a nutshell:

Monday – Met with a friend for lunch.  We both happened to be unemployed at the moment.  When we first met, 5 years ago, she was experiencing a crisis. I both saw and heard a rare passion in her despite the circumstances in her life.  In a nutshell, we walked through the muck and mire together, facing real life with no immediate answers.  I watched her hang onto hope like no one else I knew.  And she was fierce, and she wanted to change and grow in the most beautiful and desperate way.  Today, we sat across the table from one another, at the same table where hearts were poured out with tears, and we laughed and we shared from a bond that comes from seeking Christ in the hard spots.  We listened, we analyzed like always, 2 hours flew by too fast, and I left floating on air.  A time seized, a moment cherished, a relationship forged deeper.

Tuesday – I attended a Bible Study.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to complete this study as I awaited my time to go back to teaching, yet I felt (for the first time) the freedom to attend while I could.  I loved it.  I sat and reveled in the discussion time.  I chuckled at the wisdom and spit-fire of our 86-year-old leader, yet I somehow knew it would be my last time.  For lunch?  Met with two more friends.  We haven’t had a chance to meet like this for about a year.  These two friends are very special to me.  Over the course of almost three years, a group of about 8 of us committed to meet to share in the deep places.  We met once a month, in each others’ homes, after our young kiddos went to bed.  And we took turns, and we shared, and we prayed, sometimes until 2 in the morning.  This group fostered healing.  Healing from our pasts, healing in our present situations, healing in our marriages, and healing in our parenting failures.  We went deep in the most sacred ways.  If asked, we would all point to this season as instrumental in shaping who we are today.  And today, we met for lunch, simply to catch up – mission trips, new homes, new schools, new churches, life has moved forward, and God has called us into different seasons.  And I will be forever grateful to Panera for fostering this chance to meet.

Wednesday – I woke today and checked my phone.  I noticed that another friend had a need for help.  I checked in with God, and I knew this was the new plan today.  It was a provision financially.  It was an opportunity to spend the day with a family I have grown to love, a family that has taught be about accepting differences in way that flushes freedom through my veins like I’ve never experienced before.  It was perfect.  My body had a chance to rest, then use the evening slot for a run.

Thursday – Yesterday, I had made plans with another long time, partner-in-ministry friend whom I haven’t seen in several months.  She too had felt God asking her to spend her time in a different direction. I just so happened to check my email and read that the Ronald McDonald house was in need of one more volunteer.  Yep, me.  So off I went.  I no sooner walked in the door, when I was greeted by the friendly maintenance director with a special job to do.  I was needed to allow an outside source access into the rooms for a maintenance check.  And then I met Daisy, a darling beagle who wore a work vest.  Very curious.  As I soon would learn, she was there for her sniffer.  A specific sniffer, in fact.  One that was trained to sniff out bed bugs.  No lie.  And so I accepted the job.  And because I did, because I simply stepped in to the “next”, I had a wonderful chance to talk with several families as they waited outside their rooms.  In a word, priceless.  Talk about gaining some perspective.  Truly a gift.  And then, I got the call.  The call from the School for the Deaf.  They received my paperwork, and they asked if I could come in and start teaching tomorrow.  Yes, tomorrow! And thus, the next…

Friday – My alarm sounded at 5:45 am.  Actually, I awoke a few minutes before.  Again, God has allowed this past month to be a great adjustment period because Austin has needed to leave earlier for school.  Today was my first day of returning to the classroom in over 9 years.  Wow.  But truly, I’m just viewing this as a new season.  I wasn’t nervous.  Strange for me.  I just did what I’ve been doing for a while, doing the next.  So I started browning the meat to make sloppy joes for the crockpot, I warmed up soup for the kids lunches, I packed myself a lunch, and we sat down for breakfast and morning scripture readings like we have been.  And all the while, Austin is asking me questions, and our conversations were surprisingly cool.  And then I drove to school, and I used my car time to pray.  And I pulled into the parking lot, a very different person than had driven onto that campus in 1998.  And I thanked Him for all that He’s allowed me to see.  And I kept taking that next step, all day.  I followed the teacher who has stepped in for the maternity leave before my paperwork cleared.  He reminded me of the deaf gentlemen that I team taught alongside for four years.  I watched his language and interactions with the children, he patiently answered many questions, he introduced me to each child with such kindness, and he gently waited for me to warmly greet each of my previous co-workers and reconnect as to the passing of 9 years.  And it felt normal to me.  And I was so grateful to be there.  And Aaron did a bang up job at home.  And we celebrated the evening together at a Zac Brown band concert.  And I marveled at all God had allowed this week, knowing full well it would end in this fashion. (And my friend from Monday received her call, and she starts work next week!)

Today – My children are wonderful.  They love well.  Emma saved a flower for me from her flower dissection in class on Friday.  She was the one who literally cheered for me as I announced my first day of work.  They know the sacrifices, and they celebrate for me anyway.  Brynn returned home from school, and embraced me in a way that only she can, her love language – authentic, real, soul-sweet.  Austin asked me if it was hard to teach.  He asked me about how I communicated with the deaf students.  He wanted to know if math was difficult for them (his favorite subject).  And I tucked each of these treasures in my heart as I headed out for a run, at 7 am.  I originally planned to run this long one yesterday, but that plan changed.  And of course, this plan was even better.  For 3 hours and 20 minutes, I enjoyed the ride.  Seriously.  I didn’t have an urge to stop.  I didn’t need the short-term water breaks to simply survive (I actually was so in tune to a message on my iPod that I didn’t drink until mile 10).  The weather was so cool I didn’t need to be concerned.  He sustained me.  I didn’t really experience my normal pains until mile 17!  I felt a rhythm, and I seemed to lock in, and simply get lost in my thoughts.  And oh my, God reached me with His messages – straight to my soul!  I am SO pumped as to what the Lord has in store for Aaron.  My heart has finally caught up to my head, and I am all in if He so chooses to lead us into ministry.  Steven Furtick, pastor of Elevation Church in Charlotte talked about the story of Elijah and digging the ditches in preparation for when God would sent the rain in a time of drought.  Pete Wilson, pastor of Crosspoint Church in Nashville spoke of reckless love, and a time of family serving became so clear.  He shared a life-changing story from a woman in an African slum, and it reminded me of my trip to Honduras.  And I not only ran 20, but I ran 22.  And then I stood for 3 hours as a timer at Brynn’s first swim meet, and our dinner plans changed, and I cuddled with the girls, and it was perfect.  His perfect plan.

And tomorrow will have more plans, and I’m looking at my first week of working full-time in a career that I have been given the passion to pursue.  It is a provision, one that God has actually ordained from the beginning of time, I just didn’t know it.  And now I see it, well, this moment anyway.  And my heart rejoices.  And I have peace, in spite of, and despite my circumstances.  And instead of worrying that I will mess up my students with my ineptness, I look forward to asking and learning from the Lord, all that he has in store for these special children in these moments of their life.  Perspective.

And it all comes from glancing back…

Ephesians 2:10
For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Philippians 2:13
for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.

The power of a praying husband…

My dear, sweet Aaron…

We don’t have very many formal pictures.  We just aren’t formal people.  We’re goofy and we run, so I guess that makes us certifiably nuts.

And I love that.

Life for us in this current season has been quite a ride.  And I found myself overwhelmed today… in a good way.

Yesterday, you asked me if we could pray together, and I couldn’t say yes fast enough.  We so often pray individually, yet haven’t found a pattern in that together.  And you asked me if I wanted to go first, and I said, “oh no”.  I had this immediate feeling that what you said would cover it all, and then some.  And the words you spoke… left my closed eyes damp the entire time.

Such humility, such raw honesty, such deep care and connection, such eloquence in your speed and rate of delivery.  And I have never been so proud to be Mrs. Conrad.

You are seeking.  Seeking His plan, not only for yourself, but our family.  You are searching, not only your own soul, but your heart as well in weighing the sacrifices to come.

You have peace, depth like I’ve never seen before.  And it radiates throughout our home, and into your actions.  When I returned from my run this evening, I rounded the corner and saw you, laying on your belly, deeply entrenched in a concentrated game of Trouble with the kiddos… and my heart melted.

You have joy.  Joy in sheer possibilities of the next “career” ahead.  Joy in the celebration of relationships brought to light through “random” calls and appointments.  Joy in actual household chores, child-carpooling activities, and meal planning.  Joy in sharing in heart-felt conversation with me throughout the day.  Our text messages alone could write a marvelous book.  I find myself losing track of time, getting lost in conversations, entranced with that rise in spirit and passion as words build.

And I marvel at the process.  We haven’t always enjoyed marital bliss.  The refinement process, the burning off of selfishness brings with it some pains.  Yet, as we’ve learning through running, not all pain is bad.  In fact, most is temporary, and the gain is beyond what we could ever ask for or imagine.

Thank you Aaron, for choosing to run this road with me.  Thank you for the way you make me laugh.  Thank you for all the ways in which you love.  Thank you for the ways in which you lead.  But most importantly, thank you for the ways in which you seek and listen to your Savior.  I will follow you wherever the Lord leads, for where you are, there my heart will be.

  ^{1 Corinthians 13: 4}Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.⁸ Love never fails.

The day the phone rang…

It was August 15th.

Just a seemingly ordinary day.

Aaron was in Indianapolis for a meeting.  Emma was at gymnastics.  Austin, Brynn and I were at Tharp Sixth Grade school, standing in line, in the library, preparing to turn in some paperwork.

And my cell phone rang.

It was Aaron.  I could hear the wind from his car windows and his voice was cheery as he greeted me.

Then, I was second in line, and I hear, “Good news, I’m coming home early.”

Then, I was first in line, “Hold on, one second…”

“Okay, what did you say?”

“I got let go today.  I’m coming home.”

And I thought he was kidding.  Or rather, I hoped he was kidding.

“No I’m not kidding.”

Pause. Really long pause.  Really, really long pause.

And Aaron fills in the gap with confident words of “we’re good till the end of the year, full benefits, we’ll be fine.”

And I feel dizzy.

And I think I tell him to drive home safely, and I press the “end” button.

And I look at my children.

And I instruct them to sit down at one of the library tables.  In a matter of about 20 seconds, the time it took me to end the call and walk to the table, I experienced shock, denial, anger, and depression.  And then, I had to do the next…

By the expression on their faces, the children knew something was amiss.  My mind was spinning in a million different directions, so I did they only thing that came to mind first.

I wanted to pray.  I needed to pray.

So right there, in the middle of all the commotion, the kids and I bowed our heads, and this gentle voice that  seemingly resided from someone else next to me, spoke words,

Lord.  We trust you.  We don’t understand, but we trust you.  You tell us not to worry and so we want to leave our worry at this table.  You tell us you will provide, and we believe you.  Please keep our Daddy safe on his way home.  We love you.

And I look up, and our son has quiet tears that have slipped down his cheeks.  And my heart melts.  I whisper words of details that I do know, and I reassure him that God knew this was going to happen today, and that He promises to never leave us.  And he takes a deep breath, and I do as well.

And I look to my right, and Brynn is staring at me with round-saucer-deer-in-headlights eyes, and she says, “Mommy will we have to move?”  And my heart sinks, and my mind recognizes her mindset.  She is desperate for security.  I say, “Honey, no, I don’t think so.  We’ll be praying about this every day.  God will show us.”

And now Austin has wiped his tears, and we move onto the next.  We walk to the cafeteria to take school pictures (we’ll always remember THIS one), we walk to the gym and receive his schedule, and we pick up his first-time-ever locker combination and we head down to the hall to locker #470.  (Yes, there are 635 sixth grade students in this building, crazy I know).

And I have this insane sense of peace.  And then we stop and talk to a few families that we know.  And then we leave.

It was so surreal.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to crawl into bed.  I wanted to have a group call with my close friends.  I wanted to ignore what just happened.  But instead, we went bowling, like we planned.  And we stopped at Staples to buy school supplies.  And we awaited the arrival of Aaron.  And I prayed.

Here we are, four weeks later.  And my God has shown up and shown off in some mighty ways, already.  Along with the daily surprises, He has literally opened a double-wide door for me.  Back in July, before leaving for Honduras, Aaron and I had a date night.  I sat across the table at Cheesecake factory, and I passionately poured forth my heart about my desire to start working again, and even more specifically, to get back to education.  But I couldn’t see how, and up to this point, doors had only been shut.  My license had expired (something I clearly felt the Lord asked me to let go of at the time), public substitute teaching options were simply not an option, and the logistics of the family needs all did not connect.  I was very confused.

And then, one morning I went for a run.  Soon after leaving, I had a thought.  School for the Deaf.  And it wasn’t something I had thought of previously.  It wasn’t of me.  And I knew.  While obeying Him in “training” for a marathon, he met me on the road.  And I had instant peace.

So, I applied for a substitute teaching position at my previous place of employment.  I walked to school with a neighbor and learned of a class I can take, right here in Hilliard, and in just two weekends, one written paper, I can fulfill the credits needed to renew my license and be ready for a full-time position by December.  And then I meet the principal.  And then I have a second interview, the most causal, comfortable interview I’ve ever experienced, and she tells me there is an immediate need for a teacher that was already placed on bed rest.  Oh, and by the way, she teaches math (my favorite subject).  And I left stunned.

And now I simply wait for the state to clear my paperwork.  And until then, I’ve stepped into each day, ready to greet the marvelous opportunities that time has afforded to Aaron and I.  We served together this week.  We actually tore down walls of a house in an impoverished neighborhood in conjunction with Rock City Church.  The plan is to renovate a home for a family who doesn’t have a home.  We literally had an opportunity to tear down the old, and make it new.  And God illustrates the state of our hearts.

My heart is undergoing some tearing down.  And it hurts.  And it’s brought about so much freedom.  Just as Paul says,

^{Philippians 12} I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

We enjoyed a wonderful season of “plenty” as he provided through Aaron’s employer.  And now we’re in a new season.  Most days I am filled with joy and wonder.  I understand that peace and joy aren’t elusive until… Aaron is employed again.  He offers peace, joy, and love to me right now, right where I am.  And other days, the reality that neither of us are currently working and we have an end date for our funds slaps me silly.  And therein lies my choice.  Do I choose to stand on the truth of his words, or do I succumb to the stress?

And through it all, Aaron and I talk.  And we talk.  And we talk.  And we grow closer as we share all parts of our hearts, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  And we look at change, and we remind each other to open our fists to palms up, and we simply take the next step that comes along, and we choose to trust, and we pray.

And Aaron looks at a clean slate.  Does God have a place for him back in Corporate America?  Does he have a place for him in ministry?  He presses forward, making connections, listening to the Spirit about who to meet with, and he has a second interview with a well-supported business about a ten minute drive from our home.  Will this be the place for him?  Will the temptation be strong for jump-in decision, or will God direct us in a different direction?

I’ve been quiet about the ministry decision.  Too quiet.  I ran yesterday.  For 3 hours and 20 minutes.  And I listened to 5 podcasts.  5 preachers/teachers.  And He arrested me.  He had my full attention.  I literally couldn’t run away from it. I had been praying about this.  And He answered.

I had gotten stuck.  Stuck in my limited vision.  I couldn’t “see” how this ministry option for him (for us), was going to work.  And because I couldn’t see, I was not believing.  I proclaim that my God provides, but did it need to be under my terms?  I can say that money doesn’t matter, but at the end of the day, I’ve managed the bills.  It does.  I can say that I will support Aaron in whatever he decides, and then I have thoughts about not signing-up to handle the “mess” that comes along with the position.

And the Bible says,

Hebrews 11:6
And without faith it is impossible to please God

And what is faith?

Hebrews 11:1

11 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

Truth.  And I know this.  And I was wrong.  Let’s just call out the sin for what it is – pride.  Pride in claiming control.  Pride in believing my way is better.  Pride in proclaiming my sovereignty over His.  I was stuck.  Stuck in my head.  Stuck in my logic.  Stuck in the familiarity of seeing my husband using his gifts and talents in the business world.  Perhaps even standing on a strange and false sense of security (which is illogical since this is the reason we are here in the first place).

Change takes me a bit to get adjusted to.  Always has.  Thus, I believe, the reason He is allowing me time now before I begin teaching.  Yet, I do know one thing.  Without change, no growth occurs.  And I want growth.  I want to learn more and more about my God.  I want to get closer and closer to knowing His heart that I simply reflect it without realizing it.  I want to live with less.  Less of me and more of Him.  And I know, in order to do that, I have to look at my “ugly”.  I have to walk through the process of refinement.  I have to choose to let Him sift my heart like wheat (Luke 22).  I have to allow him to bring my selfishness and pride into the Light so that I can see it through His eyes, His perspective.

And then I do.

And it’s a beautiful sight.

And I don’t deserve it, but I receive it.

And all else doesn’t matter.

And I am free.

Free to have an open hand, an open heart, an open mind, and an open soul.  I can take the next step with peace.  And I can live in the moment, right where I am.  And I can remember His faithfulness, because I will veer, and I can know that He will once again, gently guide me back to where I want to be again.  And I breathe.  I breath in life.

To be continued…