Is it enough?

3 kids

I had a thought tonight.

It was a simple thought.

Yet I found myself pausing… in the middle of loading the dishwasher.

As a mother, am I doing enough?

Oh, I’m “doing” alright.  I could list and list all of the tasks that were so joyously tacked onto the birth certificate hidden deep within that precious home-going car seat.  I could list and list the routines of the “needed supplies” that keep this Conrad-family-train a-movin.  I could tell you about the early mornings and the late nights.  I could compile at least a few paragraphs on the “details” of carpools, grocery shopping tips, and laundry mishaps.  But in the midst of the “doing”, am I “being”?

Am I pausing in the moments of life?  Pausing for some intent eye contact, pausing for a moment of silence after asking a question, pausing from our normal routine just because, pausing to ask about HIS plan and not mine, pausing to prioritize God (in thought, word, and deed)?

Am I doing enough?

I don’t want to get so consumed with the details in life that I miss the most important parts.  I don’t want to feel productive at the end of the day simply because a certain amount of tasks were accomplished.  I don’t want to end a conversation simply because I’m exhausted, but I do.  And I no longer expect perfection, I try to tame the shame-beast that threatens to linger in my mind, I choose to push the grace button as a reminder that the Lord gives, even and especially when I don’t deserve it, and yet…

Am I doing enough?

Time is flying.  As you probably well know.  Aaron and I have six more glorious years with our son before he graduates.  Six.  And I really want to make the time count.  I desperately want to get this thing right.  Time is like money, once it’s spent, it’s spent.  I don’t get it back.  And I’m not even guaranteed tomorrow.  But I do have this moment.  And the next, and the next.  And I’m not sure what I’m going to say, and I’m not sure what I’m going to do.  But I do know the One who knows.  And I can trust Him.  With all that I am and with all that I have. And that is enough.

HE is enough.

But by His grace IN me, I am enough.

And He sets His word in our hearts…

Malachi 3:10

Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.

And I place my moments, my will, and my faith at the altar of “enough”.  And I have peace that in humble obedience, I will not miss that next step, that next late night talk, that next selfless act of love, that next opportunity to extend grace, because even if I mess up, He will always be enough.

He IS enough.

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3 thoughts on “Is it enough?

  1. Heather, Thanks For The Inspiration Of What It Really Means To Be A Mom. While You Have 6 More Yrs To Continue Getting It Right Before Austin Graduates From High School…My Journey To That Goal Has Come To A Close…And A New Journey Begins. Stephen Is 18 Yrs Old Today, On May 18, 2013. Next Weekend My “BABY” Will Graduate From High School.
    I Can Well Remember The Day He Was Born…Getting To The Hospital At 10:20 AM In The Morning On May 18, 1995…It Was Raining And Things Were NOT Going As We Had Planned. You Know…All Those Awesome Lamaze Classes You Go Through, Learning How To Breathe And ALL The Glorious Things You Learn About The Early Days OF Parenting That Newborn…All Of A Sudden I Am Being Rushed Into Surgery And Told I Will Have To Have An Emergency C-Section. Not Exactly The Way I Planned On Starting Life With This Brand New Life…This Child…The One I Will Call MY SON And Friend For the Rest Of His Life…I Just Wanted To Get It Right And To “JUST BE ENOUGH”. Little Did I Know The Plans I Had Made Only A Short Time Earlier…Would ALL Be Changed.
    For The Next 5 1/2 Months My Life Was Spent In The Ronald McDonald House And The N.I.C.U. At Rainbow Babies And Children’s Hospital In Cleveland, Ohio. No Two Days Were Alike. Many times We Had Great Days…And Sometimes Even A Great Week. But Then We Had Our Setbacks When I Thought To Myself…I Just Want To Rewind Time And Do This Over And Try To Get It Right. I Just Wanted Things To Be Normal, And To Be Enough For My Son… 🙂 Little Did I Know That This Was MY NORMAL…This Is How I Was Going To Learn To Be Enough.
    I Thought Raising Kids Came With A Manuscript, A Manual That I Could Read That Would Tell Me Exactly What To Do And When To Do It….Boy Was I In For A Rude Awakening. 🙂 I Knew There Really Was No Such Manuscript, But I Thought Things Would Probably Be Just Like It Was With All My Siblings And Their Child Rearing Successes. I Didn’t Realize I Would Have To Write My Own Manuscript, Along With Much Crying Out To God, And Searching The Scriptures With The Help Of Many Books, And Wonderful Godly People Willing To Help With This Journey…Called Being A Parent.
    It Goes By So Quickly…Take A Lot Of Pics…Allow For Those Late Night Talks, And Impromptu Days Where Your Kids Will Skip A Day Or Two Of School Here And There…Put That Laundry On Hold Once In A While So You Can Spend That Truly Special One On One Time With Them. I Had To Learn To Let My Son Make Mistakes, Fall Down, Get Bruises…And Just Learn Those Life Lessons That Can Only Come Through Trial And Error…All The While Trying So Hard To Take A Back Seat And Let The Process Happen And Trust God That Everything That I Taught My Beautiful Son Over The Yrs Would Materialize Just As Surely As It Had With Me, And My Parents Before Me.
    I Have Certainly Learned A Lot Through This Parenting Journey. Over The Last 18 Yrs. I Have Learned That There Is No Such Thing As The PERFECT PARENT. I Have Learned That Even As A Single Mom That There Will NEVER Be Enough Time, Enough Money, Or Anything Else That I Try To Compare My Parenting My Son To. I Have Learned That Because Of Jesus…He Makes Me Enough For The Time That It Is Needed. I Have Learned That Just Because The World Says There Are NO DO OVERS…God In His Infinite Wisdom And Grace, Allows Me To Be Forgiven When I Make Mistakes And Allows Me To Start My Day All Over Again By Getting On My Knees And Saying, “OK God, I Can’t…You Can, So I WILL Let You.
    Thank God For What He Teaches Me On This Journey Of Parenting..Thank God I Have Been Given The Wonderful Opportunity To Be Both Mom And Friend To My Baby…The One I Call My Son For The Rest Of His Life!!
    To My Son I Would Say, “Stephen, I May Not Be “The Perfect Mom”…But I Am Your Mom And I Have Loved EVERY MINUTE Of Every Day Whether Good Or Bad Has Come Our Way. A Lot Has Happened On Our Journey.. Some Really Good And Some REALLY BAD. But I Do NOT Regret Any Part Of Being Allowed To Be Your Mom, And I Will Love You Till God Calls Me Home…And Even Then I Will Love You From My Home On High”. 🙂
    Heather, Thanks So Much For Sharing Your Journey Of Being A Mom With ALL Of Us!! 🙂

  2. Beautiful and well said. I enjoy reading your blog. I always manage to pull something away from it and to make me think….Thank you

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