I want to…

It all started with a thought… my friend Rachel wrote a post, she shared her heart about her passion and relationship with the Lord through time spent with Him.  I paused, and I attempted to put to words how the Lord helped me move from one perspective to another.  I used to live my life in a different way, thought different thoughts, chose different decisions prioritized what was important and made time for those things.  It was the only way I knew to live, it didn’t phase me as anything necessarily wrong.  I worked hard, and when all my duties were complete in the day, I had some “free choice” time.  My free choice time consisted mostly of television, perhaps a movie, but mostly, anything that I didn’t have to “work” at.  I felt a sense of entitlement, after all, I had “worked” all day.

When it came to how I spent my time in regards to spiritual items, I went to church on Sundays.  I had heard talk of “you should” be reading your Bible (10 minutes a day), you should be praying, you should be involved in serving (in ministry). I heard this.  I probably even nodded my head in agreement.  I vowed a “I will start on Monday” plan many, many times.  I would fall behind in a “reading” plan, one Sunday would roll into another, good intentions simply didn’t follow through into actions.  Oh well, I would think, I’m still a better “girl” than most, I’m doing alright.

Along the way, something changed.  At some point from there to here, though I can’t quite pinpoint how it happened, I changed.  I can only assume it took place one step, one decision at a time, one attitude shift, one “oh, I hadn’t thought about it that way”.  I began to “taste and see” just how differently my days unfolded when I decided to seek God, know God, believe in His truths, and trust in His Word.  Somewhere along the way, my view of Bible reading changed.  I prayed for understanding, I persisted in reading, even though my mind warred with how it applied to my life.  I came to understand the meaning of it being a “living” word, and I continued to draw nearer as my attitude towards reading turned into one of joy and anticipation.  Tasting and seeing all that a life with the Lord affords drew me like a moth to a flame.  As I started walked toward Him, with Him, my cravings of the world, my old self began to fall away.  Until I stopped to think about it, the one thing that doesn’t even appeal to me anymore in my “free time” is to watch the television.  Am I saying watching is wrong or evil?  No.  For me, it’s simply undesirable, unfulfilling, empty.  My husband will say, “Well that’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back.”

How do I choose to spend my time now?  In all humility, I stay awake till late hours “soaking”.  I have a stack of material that sits on my coffee table.  If I hadn’t had a spare moment to grab at it during the day, I will in the evening.  My stack consists of devotions, my Bible Study Fellowship materials on the book of Isaiah, my community Bible study material on the concept of contentment, my Chronological Bible that I read in daily, and, at the moment, a stack of 6 other books I’ve come across that span a variety of topics, some fiction, some non-fiction.  Why do I tell you this?  In all sincerity, I describe this to you to brag upon the Lord.  In a brief paragraph, you can see how He has changed me, starting with the heart.

The word I’ve been grappling with all day is none other than the “want to” – the desire.  How do I think He helped me to gain this “want to”? Very simply, as he said to Peter…

Come.  Follow me.

I can’t tell you much about how to fix a car, how to fix a sink, or even how to download songs to itunes, but this I do know.  Daily life with Christ is the most precious gift I’ve ever recieved.  The peace of knowing My Creator loves me, not for what I do, but simply for who I am frees me from the burden of carrying the weight of every desire to please people, and every desire to have things all figured out so I won’t mess anything up, and every every insecurity I assumed by changing into who needed me to be what and when.  If I could encourage you with one thought today – He offers the same to you, His child, His creation.  Instead of viewing spiritual matters as a “have to”, perhaps you can ask Him how to help you change your mindset into a “want to”.  He’s dying for you to ask.  Oh wait, He already did that.  He loves you that much.

From one soul-starved sinner to another, will you make that decision today?  Will you endure in your discipline of time with Him?  He never disappoints.  He’s not waiting to strike on the first moment of neglect.  His mercies are new each morning.  Will you seek His treasure?

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Matthew 6:21


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