What do you see?

If there is one phrase that has captured my attention over the last few years, it would be this – “seeing is not necessarily believing, but believing is seeing.”  It’s a concept that you can’t fully grasp… and then you do.  I’m realizing over and over again how differently I used to live my life.  I lived a good life, doing good things, trying my best to be a good person.  I had rested in this way, it’s what I saw in the world around me, I seemed content, didn’t question very much.  I wasn’t always happy, but I was way better off than many people I “saw”.  I was living… or so I thought.  In looking back, I was always checking myself, searching for some un-obtainable balance, trying my hardest to juggle without allowing a single ball to drop.  Most days went well, some did not, others were a disaster.  This was life…or so I thought.

Then God.  I began reading, I began thirsting, I began reflecting, I began to see truth for just that…truth.  Jesus talked about giving us life, abundant life, life to the full.  My life didn’t quite have that description.  Jesus talked about having peace, “My peace I give you.”  Peace… this I lacked.  I held on to the concept that I was in control of my life, I created my own destiny, I could do “this” and “that” would happen, I could say “this” and know the result would be “that”.  My stubbornness would try, try, again, until I obtained my desired result.  And what was my result?  Exhaustion, confusion, frustration, anger, bitterness, resentment.  Oh, I appeared to have it all together, I always smiled (because that’s what a good, positive person does, right?), I would attempt to brush things off, and then I would brood and harbor in the quietness of the night, seething and adding ugliness to my heart.  And then this verse,

Luke 6:45

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.

At some point, at some moment, the ugliness in my heart would overflow, it wasn’t “good” by any stretch.

My life now?  Perfect?  Far from it.  My perspective?  Very different.  I’m no longer  fooled by the concept that I am in control.  I’m not, and in fact, I’m thrilled about it.  I no longer bear the burden of failing to meet the needs of everyone around me because their happiness does not impinge upon my decisions.  I no longer trust in myself, I trust fully in my Lord.  My schedule?  His.  My plans?  His.  My hopes, my dreams?  His, because He gave them to me.  My identity?  Found in Christ.  Believing IS seeing.

For example, just yesterday, I began to think through “plans” for the week.  In fact, my son asked me what was on the agenda for today, and at that moment, there was one appointment.  Within a short amount of time, a text, an email, a phone call, God revealed His plans, and I simply sat back and admired His provisions.  He provided activities and opportunities not only for my children and my husband, but for extended family, and even friends.  How?  There was simply room for God to work, I asked, I listened, I recognized, I accepted.  Really, life can function in this freedom!  AND it’s a much better plan than I could have feebly manipulated… because my sight is limited.  This  freedom includes release from trying to predict the future, to make sure no one was too burdened or disrespected due to my planning decisions.  In fact, I felt blessed, and I recognized one very important fact, it was God.  HE knows, HE sees, HE controls.  Why?  Because HE loves, and knows what’s best, ESPECIALLY when we can’t “see”.   HIS will for my life is available…if I just ask to see.

Thank you Lord for this abundant life, one of freedom, of peace, of joy, and even of sorrow.  Each time it reminds me of you, it draws me to see, it creates a hunger to know more, love more, live more.  Thank you for an opportunity to seek you at the She Speaks conference this weekend.  I trust you.

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