Yesterday morning, I woke up with a heaviness. Ever experience that sensation that your muscles are physically weighing you down, that it takes a tremendous effort for you to begin and continue to move throughout the day? For me, I believe my heart donned this “cloak” of heaviness in an attempt to carry it for my husband. You see we woke up yesterday, knowing that in a few hours, he would be wearing a hospital gown, comfy socks with no-skid treads, and a shower cap. I knew I would watch as a stranger pushed the love of my life down a strange hallway and out of sight where he would not have any recollection nor knowledge of the experience of leaving that room minus one gall bladder.
I wasn’t expecting this heavy cloak. I usually enjoy my role as the encourager, the peace-maker, the positive thinker. In all honestly, I had to rest on the role of quiet-supporter, lifting up prayers as fast as my heart could lead. I had not expected the intensity, the gut-check of watching your loved one and you being separated in that scene. The greater reality hit me, we would be leaving that evening, on the road to recovery. A few days of discomfort for years of a healthier body – minus one non-functioning organ. What about the countless other stories in that hospital that day? Would they be going home? What does life look like for them upon their return?
As I sat by myself in the waiting room, people, chatter, conversation, announcements, television, and snores could be heard all around me, yet a sense of “silence” was the only sound I heard, for they were sounds of people I knew not. Before this silence threaten to consume me, I made a decision. I needed a distraction. I desired to think of good things, right things, truths. I decided to get “lost” in a book. It is there that I met my friend, there where I felt wrapped in the warm of familiarity, there where I realized, I was not alone. I drew on the strength from my constant companion, one that I can always be real with, one that doesn’t need a thing from me, one that always listens, one that truly loves – My Jesus.
One of the many things I read yesterday, just touched me so personally. Sarah Young has written a devotional book called Jesus Calling, taking scriptures and writing in such a way that is such a personal invitation to me each morning. Here’s what He said to me:
You don’t have to chose between staying close to Me and staying on course. Since I am the Way, staying close to me is staying on course. As you focus your thoughts on Me, I will guide you carefully along today’s journey. Don’t worry about what is around the next bend. Just concentrate on enjoying My Presence and staying in step with Me.
Jesus you ARE my all, you ARE everything I need. Whenever I feel disappointed, hurt, or angry about situations or people around me, help me remember to ask for help, to cry to you for wisdom, patience, and understanding. Lord thank you for blessing me with a soul mate, someone to love unconditionally, who loves me back with an unconditional love (a love that is concerned for me as he lays in a hospital bed hooked up to IVs). Thank you for the breath in my lungs today. Thank you for another day to give you the glory. Thank you for being my constant companion, my best friend.